Stop Pretending That You Have It All Figured Out

Thursday on the way to work, God met with me again (for those that don’t have personal experience with this, think of it as thinking about things and gaining an understanding that the answers are not coming from yourself). As I left home for work that morning I was sort of thinking about and also somewhat feeling bad for how things were going at home. I have had several outbursts of yelling and swearing over things that shouldn’t have cause so much anger and rage. As I’m pulling onto the thruway (the I-90 ramp after the tolls) I was thinking and praying about how we need to stop pretending that we have it all figured out (the image of our lives that we portray to others is of course just a rough portrayal and leaves out a lot of the hard or ugly things). Just as that was on my mind, tears come to my eyes and the song Worn by Tenth Avenue North comes on the radio. The song, for those that aren’t familiar with it starts like this:

“I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left”

I always know this is God because I rarely cry “in real life” (in other words in the “normal” portrayal of my life that I show to most people).

I know that my relationship with my wife is strained. I also know that my relationship with God is strained too. Having a baby is not easy. It is absolutely wonderful and any amount of challenges doesn’t take away from how wonderful it is. That said, it does put a strain on life in general and the relationship between husband and wife is challenged. Anybody who says otherwise is “doing it wrong”. Taking care of a miracle of a little person is amazingly awesome. Sometimes we fail to or don’t want to talk about the fact that it is also hard and puts new challenges in our lives. And let me admit to myself, to God, to my wife, to you, that I don’t have it all figured out. I need God’s grace. I need his wisdom. I need his unconditional love for when I mess up and act in ways that are not loving. God was faithfully there for us through all the struggles of infertility and multiple miscarriages (more of the story here: )

God spent some time with me on the ride to work that morning and more tears came to my eyes. I felt his love and mercy and grace. I knew that even though everything wouldn’t be magically better that God would work it out, that he has a plan for our lives.

As I’m exiting the thruway (as I’m going through the tolls), the song Say Amen by Finding Favour comes on the radio. For those not familiar with that song it starts like this:

“This life is a journey we walk by faith
And there will always be the mountains in our way
But right here in this moment, may our strength be renewed
As we recall what God has done and how we’ve seen Him move

If there’s anybody here who’s found Him faithful
Anybody here who knows He’s able
Say Amen
And if there’s anybody here who’s seen His power
Anybody here brought through the fire
Say Amen
Anybody here found joy in the middle of sorrow
Just Say AMEN!”

My mind immediate goes to how faithful God was in bringing us Toby. We went through such struggles and suffering before God blessed us with Toby. We are very blessed to have Toby in our lives. I thank God for the challenges and for God bringing us through all of them and not sparing us from those challenges, but giving us strength and helping us grow through them. Amen.

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